Pandemonium Con 2 – Welcome Panel

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Dom, Luke, Matt, Chai and Nicola are on stage. An intro video is announced. The screen lights up with a loading bar and a metronome starts ticking. Everyone looks at the screen in anticipation. And waits. And waits.

Dom: This is the whole video, by the way… that’s all you’re gonna get.

The loading bar gets closer to the finish, everyone gets excited and Dom points out that the screen says ‘GET READY’. Then the screen goes blank, and we wait. And wait.

Moderator: Best. Video. Ever.

Finally the video starts playing, and everyone cheers.

Dom: (S1 clip) Wow! That was a LONG time ago.

The video finishes and everyone cheers. The moderator points out that there is more to come. There is a very long pause between the end of the video and the start of the title credits for the cast attending, so everyone is a bit confused, but overall very enthusiastic.

Mod: Let’s thank Claudia for that lovely video! Just so you know, Jade is coming. He’s on his way. And Kat, too. They’re both going to be here.

Dom: (shouting) Can we get a microphone over here? I haven’t said anything in almost 6 minutes so… (Matt gives him his microphone)

Dom: Just to be clear – – That was a wonderful video – – If I am ever not first in the video again, I am not coming back!

Mod: Let’s get some games started. We’ve got 3 games. The first one is people that speak different languages writing down a word of your choice, in your language, and the guests will have to guess what they think it means.

Dom: This is going to be dangerous. Not just with you guys writing words, but also with the guesses I’m going to make.

Nicola: Let’s not let Dom go first!

Chai: Anybody speak Thai? It’s just that I speak Thai so…

First fan comes up and writes Heizungsmechaniker. Everyone looks completely blank. Audience is talking amongst themselves while the cast look at the word, mostly because past the third row, no one can read the word on the flipchart.

Dom: (turning to audience) I just heard someone say ‘I think the Germans know’? Like, yeah! It’s IN German! Of course they know. If you don’t speak German no one has ever seen this word ever before.

Luke: Can we have a clue?

The fan pronounces the second word, which gets translated to ‘mechanic’.

Dom: Bike mechanic! Car mechanic! Airplane mechanic!

Nicola: Hei-zungs-mechanic?

Audience helps, and calls out ‘heater’

Nicola: Heatermechanic!

Matt: Okay now… HOLD ON!

Dom: I like that there’s a word in German for specific groups of mechanics that just do heaters.

(chaotic debate about whether this is factual and whether the fans should get points for it or not)

Nicola: It’s an HVAC specialist!

Dom: HVAC specialist? I don’t know what an HVAC is…

Nicola: It’s heating, ventilation, isolation…

Dom: But then that’s not the same thing! If this guy is a heating specialist and he only does heat, I imagine you’ve got this poor guy showing up and someone asking him ‘Can you fix my AC?’ and he’s like ‘Nope’.

Matt: No, it’s everything to do with heat. It’s the removal of heat. It’s the introduction of heat. It’s the process to moderate heat.

Dom: Well then he should be called temperature mechanic, shouldn’t he?

Nicola: Who wants to listen to Matt talk about the history of heating and cooling?

Lots of cheering and half the audience raise their hand.

Dom: Chai, you say something…

Mod goes to find another microphone, so Chai doesn’t have to share with Matt or Nicola. She tries to give it to Chai but Chai is happy without a microphone. She tries again. He waves her away.

Matt: Chai doesn’t want to speak right now.

Mod: Okay, so that’s fans 1, guests 0.

Matt: We’re keeping score??

Dom takes a whiteboard pen out of the holder

Matt: Don’t cheat Dom!

Mod: I think someone needs to explain the game to Matt again…

Second fan comes up and writes båge.

Nicola: Can you pronounce it for us? That might help.

Fan: Sure!

Matt: Use it in a sentence!

Fan uses it in a sentence. Weirdly, it does not help any of the cast to suddenly magically work out what it means.

Matt: The beach! The zoo! It’s ‘I want to go to the zoo!’

Nicola: Handsome? Beautiful?

Matt: I give up!

Dom: We’re gonna need a clue

Fan: It’s a sort of weapon

Dom: Bow and Arrow!

Fan: Yes, it’s a bow.

(cheering)

Dom goes to write his own point on the scoreboard. Mod had previously written 1 – 0 on the board. Dom puts I before the 0, to start a five bar gate system, for ongoing score keeping.

Mod: What’s that?

Dom: I wrote a 1

Mod: With a 0. You put it in front of a 0! (tries to take Dom’s pen away)

Dom: Well you shouldn’t have put a 0. Why did you put a 0? You’re questioning me with numbers.

Mod: Yeah, but…

Dom: What was going to come after the 0? You have to cross it out. Instead of doing essentially this 0, 1 and then add a 0, 1, 2, 3, 4..

Mod: I was going to…

Dom: Rather than using a system that’s been in place since the romance, where you count points like this: IIII  (five bar gate system)

Mod: I feel like…

Dom: No no no. You have your pen. I’m done. (throws the pen over his shoulder)

Mod: Dom, this is my stage!

Dom looks at the board which currently says ‘Fans I – Guests 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, IIII’

Dom: We’ve lost a little traction with the point system here…

Third fan comes on stage. Mod goes to pick up and hand Dom his pen back

Dom: Thanks very much. I appreciate it.

Fan starts writing

Dom: There’s a lot of e’s in this one

Fan pronounces Lieveheersbeestje

Dom: Okay…

Nicola: Living with my best… friend?

Fan gives a lot of help. It’s concluded that it is a type of beetle. They guess Firefly. It’s not that. They continue guessing. Fan keeps helping.  Turns out it’s a ladybug.

Matt: Ooooooh. Well, you have a ridiculous word for ladybug!

Mod: You only get half a point because there were a lot of clues given.

Matt: I like that one

Dom: How are you going to put half a point on the scoreboard?

Mod: You’ll see.

Dom: (to fan, as she is leaving) Thank you for Ladybug

Mod: Okay, we’re moving on. Because we have two more games to play and we’re already running behind schedule.

Matt & Nicola keep asking the fan to pronounce the word for them, so they can repeat it. Someone finally switches on the lights on the stage.

Dom: Oh, thanks for turning the lights on. Just in time! We’ve sat here for an hour in the dark, so thanks!

Mod: Matt, why don’t you say a word in Spanish?

Matt: (deadpan) Amor

Chai: Why do you sound so sad when you’re talking about love?

Mod: So thin this game the audience is going to give us 3 characters, 3 places and 3 objects. And you can chose to tell a story with it, or act one out.

Fan: Shrek

Dom: So Matt, you’re taking that

Matt: I’m the ogre! You can be the ass. (laughter, Dom pouts) It’s just a nice word… for a donkey.

Mod: Next?

Fan: Cup

Mod: What? A cup? As a character? ….Sure. There are no rules to this game.

Mod: Next?

Fan: Spacecowboy

Mod: Okay. 3 places

Fan: Seychelles

Fan: London

Fan: Bathroom

Mod: And 3 objects

Matt: A cup!

Fan: Spoon

Matt: One human.

Fan: Banana

Fan: Handkerchief

Dom: God, you lot were brave with your characters there are the beginning, weren’t you?

Mod: So, you probably want to get up so you can see what you’re doing and as I said, you can act it out or you can tell a story. I’m giving you the choice. You can think about it.

After 30 seconds of silent contemplation…

Matt: I’ve got it! I solved it! It’s a riddle! The answer is…

Nicola: Okay, I’ll start! Shrek was out one day… no hang on! He wasn’t out! He was in! Shrek was eating a banana in the bathroom, because he was pressed for time.

Dom immediately crosses out ‘Shrek’, ‘bathroom’ and ‘banana’. Everyone laughs.

Luke: I’m so confused!

Nicola: He was in a rush to get out the house and he was eating his breakfast in the bathroom. No one else does that?

Luke: And then a massive explosion happened. He was blown to the floor. It was very chaotic. He was very confused. And then a lot of smoke appeared and lots of lights and then… in walked… a space cowboy.

Matt: The space cowboy – – they’re going to hate me for this – – walks over to Shrek (Matt walks up to Dom) and he throws the handkerchief at him and says ‘clean yourself up!’

Dom: Because he’s got banana everywhere!

Matt: And then he loudly says SHELLS.

Laughter trails off as everyone is confused. Dom gets the joke first

Dom: Say-Shells. Nice!

Dom hands microphone to Chai

Dom: Do you want to go?

Chai looks at the board confused, says something to Dom off microphone

Dom: Apparently that’s the thing. The cup is a character, yeah!

Matt: It’s a fucking cup. A living breathing cup. It experiences. It feels. I wants things. It has fears and desires.

Dom: Suddenly… For some reason. Shrek says to the space cowboy…

Audience start screaming, because Kat has arrived and is running up the middle aisle to the stage.

Matt: We’re kind of in the middle of something

Kat goes around and hugs Nicola, Chai and Luke, while Dom and Matt try to finish the story.

Matt: The cup is having an existential crisis, talking about a spoon. Am I just a big spoon?

Kat hugs Matthew around the middle, while he talks, then goes to hug Dom from behind, while he contemplates the board. He pulls a face.

Dom: I think I’ve got it Chai! I think I just figured out the ending to our tale. – – Then, Shrek says to the space cowboy – Pay attention Matt!

Matt: I am

Dom: He says ‘We’ve got to go to London cause that’s where I go to spoon (Scottish Shrek accent) with my friends’ – – Spoon. Cup. London. DONE! Next! What’s next!

They all sit back on their chairs except for Kat who stays standing in the middle of the stage

Kat: What are we doing?

Mod: We’re going to play Two Truth and One Lie. You all come up with two truths and one lie, and they are going to guess which one is the lie. We’re going to start here with you Chai.

Chai: All of us?

Mod: Yes, each of you. Think of something now. You can say whatever you want. I could say I have one leg, so that might not be the best one to choose. Whenever you’re ready. If someone else is ready, you can go for it.

Matt: So you just want me to make things up? You want me to make up three things…

Nicola: The rules are in the title

Matt: Yes. So I’m going to tell three lies

Nicola: Wow.. it’s hard to be put on the spot and think about yourself.

Matt: Oh! About yourself?

Mod: If you want, you can do it about someone else. You can tell two truths and a lie about Chai if you want.

Matt: Okay! Chai… is… a…

Nicola: It can’t be about Chai!

Matt: It has to be about me? Matt.. is… concerned…

Dom: That one’s the lie. I can tell already!

Matt: Matt is concerned about… Dom and…

Dom: Just wait, because It’s going to get meanreal soon…

Matt: Matt is concerned about Kat. Matt is concerned about Chai.

Kat: I’m going to say I hope you’re not concerned about me.

Nicola: Two are true. One is a lie.

Luke: You’re not concerned about Chai. You’re concerned about Dom and Kat.

Chai: No no no, he’s concerned about me.

Matt: Wait, it’s three lies! Three truths! (laughter)

Nicola: We’re not meant to guess. They are meant to guess. Which one’s the lie?

Matt: Ah man, now I’m concerned about all of them. Somebody else go…

Mod: Okay, one of you others do it, because we’re running out of time.

Luke: Okay. I studied ballet dancing for 7 years and and an injury made me stop. I have 5 middle names. When I was born I had bright red hair.

Everyone ooooohs in amazement.

Kat: I actually know this one.

Audience is mostly torn between 5 middle names and bright red hair. Everyone is shouting and it’s chaos.

Matt: If you think bright red hair, raise your hands!

Kat: If you think middle names, raise your hands!

Matt: Middle names is the obvious winner. Luke, is it true, or is it a lie?

Luke: The lie… is ballet dancing.

Kat: Tell them your middle names…

Luke: No I won’t! They’ll have to work for that.

Dom: Dude! They’re spending a fortune to be here, tell them..

Luke: (at the speed of light) Luke, Joseph, Anthony, Philip (something, something) Baines

Dom and Luke realise that they share a middle name, and high five each other.

Kat: I speak three languages. I didn’t wear heels until I was 14. I am terrible at directions.

Audience are asked to vote, however half the audience is putting their hand up, if they agree with the statement, so almost everyone raises their hand to say that yes, Kat is terrible at directions but also that she did wear heels before she was 14.

Matt: Are we voting for what is true or false?  

Luke: We’re going to start again!

Matt: Okay, if you think the first one is the lie, raise your hand

Almost the entire panel room raises their hand.

Kat: That’s correct. I don’t speak three languages.

Mod: We’re almost out of time, so we’re going to get you to draw our raffle prizes…

Which they did, which led to four very happy fans who won extras, and a highly amused Matt, as he drew the a lady whose last name was ‘Van Damme’. It’s the small things in life that make you happy…

And that was the end of the Welcome Panel.

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